If I Can't Love Her
by akkichan1
Summary: Akki tries to see more into Lavis past... But gets more than she baragins for... And Lavi beins to see how lost he is... Kind of angsty juuuuuuuuuuust warning ya :P


If I Can't Love Her...  
( Hey dudes! Well, here's another Lavi story! I've been into Beauty and the Beast lately, so here's a random story for ya XD hopefully, this will be the last sadish one I write! I myself hate writing angsty stuff, but whatever calls out to you right? Man doesn't belong to me, belongs to Hoshino Katsura-san XP)

Akki crept into the Bookmans room, seeing if she could borrow a book on the greatest pranks. She doubted he had one, but he's bookman; he knows everything haha! Besides, she needed more pranks for everyone at the Black Order.

She opened the door quietly and put a booted foot in carefully. She opened the door wider, stopping the annoying squeaking of old screws and bolts. She peeked her head in, her silver-grey eyes scanning the dark room.

Akki walked in fully and shut the door behind her, turning her back on the room momentarily, savoring her victory and grinning to herself. She heard movement behind her, and her blood ran cold. She turned around slowly, waiting for a huge karate chop to her head.

But, to her relief; it was only Lavi. And he was asleep. A bonus.

She sighed in relief, relieved she'd live anothe day. She saw a dying ember beside him and turned it up carefully, giving it life, and it gave a small glow to the room. Lavi was currently asleep in his chair at the desk which was covered in papers and books. He was slouched back, his arms hanging off the sides of the chair and his head was swaying lightly with his calm gentle breathing.

'No doubt he fell asleep working' Akki deducted not surprised at all. It's quite typical. He could fall asleep during an akuma rampage if he wanted and not flinch. So no wonder this put him to sleep.

His excorcist coat hung off his shoulders barely, and his headband was even on still. 'That can't be all that comfortable...', she thought and cautiously moved towards his sleeping form. She made sure not to make any overexcessive noise, knowing full well of his hightened sense of hearing, touch and smell.

Akki took the draped Excorcist coat off of him and folded it neatly, the still warm fabric feeling comforting unde her fingertips. She traced the rosemary cross on his uniform, feeling the silver indents around the button that carried his name. She put it on, she hoped was, the end of his bed. It was also covered in papers and books far as the eye could see, so one couldn't tell if it was a bed or not.  
'How the hell can he sleep?', she thought to herslef, but shrugged it off and turned to him once again.

She reached forward and swiftly removed the black and green headband from around his head and set it on top of the coat. This had caused the firey locks of his hair that was held to fall gracefully onto his face, covering his eyes and cheeks. She blushed lightly and moved a few strands, so he wouldn't get itchy.

His hair... Felt strangely nice. It was smoother than you would think it would be. It wasn't silky, not course either. It was the perfect mixture of both. It was just right for Lavi. She stroked the piece that fell in the center of his face between her fingers, savoring the feel and memorizing it.

'I'll probablly never get anoter chance like this again... How sad am I? I feel like I'm taking advantage of him heh...', she thought bitterly to herself.

She looked at his strong, tanned face. His black eyelashes graced his cheeks lightly, showing a peaceful expression in place of his normal grin. She saw under his visble left eye, faint but ugly circles underneath, showing how little sleep he got. She sighed and gently took her fingertips and stroked on the discolored skin smoothly.

Lavo twitched slightly in his sleep, but his eye didn't open up. Akki breathed a sigh of relief, and now was just waiting for he heart rate to get under 100 again. She stroker his cheek with her thumb. His hand twitched and landed on a piece of chapped parchment. She took a quick glance at the title, and it caught her attention.

'Log of Wars In Past 12 Years', it read. She moved it from underneath his hand and read it over. It listed several wars and outbreaks that have happened worldwide. Half of them she had never even heard of. And next to each war, was a different name and a number next to that.  
'War of -; Anthony, 12  
War of -; Mason, 13-' it went on and scanned toward the bottom.

'War of Excorcists and Akuma; Lavi,15-'

Why... Was Lavis name next to that? Her eyes widened slightly and glanced at him. He shifeted to one side to get comfortable. She looked back at the parchment. Did this mean... These were all the wars he's seen... And these names... Were all his? Wh... What's his real name then?

She felt a pang of guilt to him. Did he not have a real name? So many strane things she didn't know about the Bookmen... Het gaze drew towards his black eyepatch covering his right eye.

'And this... It never comes off... What is... Underneath?' She hesitated, but reached forward to it and reached for the cord behind his neck that connected it together. She untied the tight knot and gulped. She lifte it away from his face slowly.

Just as it was a centimeter from his face, Lavi's left eye flashed open, his green eye wide with fear and searched frantically around. He met Akkis surprised gaze and saw he had his eyepatch in her hand. His eye widened and he put a fast hand to cover his eye and he shoved her away roughly.

"S-stay away! What are you doing? Don't ever do that!" He practically screamed at her, fighting to regain his lost breath.

She ran into the side of the desk opposite of where he was sitting, now standing, and knocked many of the books and papers over.

Her eyes were near to the brim with tears. "I..."

He finally registered what happened and tried to help her up. "A-Akki... I'm sorry. I didn't mean-" She backed away from his helping hand and stood up on her own. She held her side with her hand and looked at her with watery eyes.

"I only wanted you comfortable... But I'll go!" She spun around, stepping on papera but not caring. He tried to chase after her. "W-Wait Akki! I'm sorry! I didn't mean-", before he could finish, she was already out the door and slammed it in front of him. He rested his fist on the wooden door and put his forehead against it.

"I... I didn't mean to hurt you..." He turned around and slid down the foor and slumped down to the floor. He held his head down and brought his hand away from his right eye. His red hair still covering that part of his face.

...And in my twisted face... My missing eye...

There's not the slightest trace  
Of anything that even hints of kindness... Not a single caring soul in this whole world, who would give rats ass about me...

And from my tortured shape  
No comfort, no escape... I can't escape from all of my miatakes... And my scars from all these wars...

I see, but deep within is utter blindness... Just as we all truly are to the big picture in life...

Hopeless

As my dream dies... Of knowing all that others can't...

As the time flies... All these years... Over a decade...

Love a lost illusion... No room for a heart to feel...

Helpless... No strength left...

Unforgiven... So many souls who have died while I've watched...

Cold and driven... Moving on to a next log emotionless...

To this sad conclusion  
No beauty could move me... The worlds beauty can no longer reach me in this hollow shell that is me...

No goodness improve me  
No power on earth, if I can't love her... Akki; the only good thing in my life...

No passion could reach me

No lesson could teach me... Not even the smartest person on Earth could teach me to love again...

How I could have love her and made her love me too... How could she? I have nothing to give...

If I can't love her, then who?... Noone.  
Long ago I should have seen  
All the things I could have been... I could've been normal, and have a normal life... With no worries of war and have a true grasp of me...

Careless and unthinking, I moved onward... A foolish, childish me back then...

No pain could be deeper... All the bloodshed I've seen... And not being able to lift a finger to help...

No life could be cheaper... I have no name... No heart... Barely even a soul...

No point anymore, if I can't love her... I give up...

No spirit could win me... No more...

No hope left within me... Hope died within me long ago...

Hope I could have loved her and that she'd set me free

But it's not to be... Too late now, let me suffer this pain... For getting foolish ideas...

If I can't love her

Let the world be done with me... I'm tired... No more... Let me just fade from this world...

If I can't have Akki... What point is there to living now?

(Sooooooooooo... I thought I was gonna kill myself writing that! But do you likey? Please say yes, if no, that cool, just say why and I'll try to improve ;P The underlined text are the lyrics to 'If I can't Love Her' from the broadway musical 'Beauty and the Beast' full credit goes to them, I merely borrowed them :) but please enjoy this angst! XD)

`iTBﾝj


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